


November Rain

by typewriterandtea



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, NaNoWriMo, inspired by my video, links inside, slightly AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-01
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-28 11:28:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8444089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/typewriterandtea/pseuds/typewriterandtea
Summary: “Maybe I should just stop fighting and accept it,” She paused, contemplating her own thoughts for a moment before continuing, “accept that I don’t belong here.” Bernie receives a job offer from the army, and a series of events follows which turns her life and her relationship with Serena upside down. [NaNoWriMo 2016]





	1. Saturn

**Author's Note:**

> If you wish to see the video which inspired this, you can do so through this link, however, please be aware of spoilers for this fanfiction.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYV26xS4rNc
> 
> I intend to try and get all twenty chapters of this fanfiction completed this month during NaNoWriMo, or at least hit the 50k word count, but as a full time student I can't promise that I'll for sure hit both these goals, but I'll try my best.

**Chapter One | Saturn**

 

_You taught me the courage of stars before you left._

_How light carries on endlessly, even after death._

_With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite._

_How rare and beautiful it is to even exist._

 

_I couldn’t help but ask_

_For you to say it all again._

_I tried to write it down_

_But I could never find a pen._

_I’d give anything to hear_

_You say it one more time,_

_That the universe was made_

_Just to be seen by my eyes._

 

“Your usual” Bernie announced, placing the cardboard cup down onto the desk before discarding a small plastic bag beside it. “And a little something to help with last night’s Shiraz intake” She added, hoping that the chocolate croissant that she had picked up on her way into work would help Serena get through her Wednesday blues. 

 

“You know me too well” Serena joked, shaking her head as she acknowledged the woman’s act with a polite nod and an upwards curl of her lips. 

 

Bernie discarded her satchel bag at her feet, detangling her tartan scarf from her neck and allowing it to fall in a pile next to her computer screen. It was the middle of the week and already all she wanted was a stiff drink and an early night in. 

 

“How about we go to that Italian you were talking about last week?” Bernie suggested, dropping herself down into her seat as she slipped her arms into her cardigan. 

 

“The one I took Elinor to for her birthday?” Serena questioned, juggling her folders against her hip as she reached into her desk drawer to retrieve her phone. “Yeah, that’s the one” Bernie agreed, nodding her head as she recalled how Serena had raved about the food - and the extensive wine list - for the majority of the following day. 

 

“Sure! You know I can never turn down an excuse to go somewhere that has an extensive wine menu” Serena agreed, chuckling to herself as she pulled up the number of the restaurant on her iPhone screen before handing it over to her companion. “Give them a ring and see if they have a table after our shift, I need to run to audit and hand these action reports in before Jason comes by to complain about them again” Serena called over her shoulder, glancing back at the former army, her lips pulled up in a smile before the door shut behind her.

 

————————————————————

 

Bernie reemerged from their office two hours later, after finally getting around to completing her side of the action reports. Catching sight of Serena, she made her way towards the workstation in the center of the hospital wing. “Did you get it booked?” Serena asked, not lifting her head from her task as she felt the blonde woman’s presence behind her. “I thought I was just mastering the art of sneaking up on you” Bernie protested, folding her arms in pretend annoyance as she leaned against the desk. “Those shoes make more noise than the other pair” Serena revealed with a smirk, remembering a time when her partner in crime could scare the life out of her by sneaking up behind her, both outside and inside the workplace.

 

Crossing her arms in defeat, and making a mental note to get softer shoes, Bernie sat herself down on the desk. “I’ve got the table booked for half six,” Bernie said, folding her arms as Serena sat back from her work for a moment. “I’ll drive tonight if you want, let you take advantage of the ‘extensive wine list,” She added as an afterthought, watching in amusement as Serena chuckled to herself, clearly pleased that she had a designated driver accompanying her to dinner. “You sure know what to say to make a girl happy, Ms. Wolfe” Serena jested, raising an eyebrow as she folded her legs and leaned back on her seat. 

 

If there was ever a time where the trauma unit’s red phone would have to ring, it would have to be now. 

 

“I’ve got it” Bernie announced, attempting to regain her composure while lifting herself off the desk to retrieve the phone off its handle. “Trauma Unit” She greeted, reaching out to grab the legal pad and a pen from the top of the desk, jotting down the information that was being fed to her from the other end; attempting to keep her eyes from wandering back over to the brunette at the other end of the workstation. “ETA?” She inquired, taking the elastic band off her hand and using it to tie her hair back. “Take him straight through” Bernie concluded, placing the phone back down onto the hook before stepping away. 

 

“What do we have?” Serena asked, following the other woman’s lead towards the trauma unit. “Twenty-three year old, stabbed three times in the chest, knife still in the third wound in the lower abdomen” Bernie recalled, glad that she was still in her trauma unit scrubs. “I’ll clear a theater space” Serena announced, stepping away from Bernie’s side to return to the desk, punching the numbers into the phone and allowing it to ring, finishing her phone call as the patient was wheeled through AAU and towards the trauma unit where Bernie was waiting. 

 

By the time Serena had reached the trauma unit, Bernie was already working at full speed. “We need to take him into surgery to get the knife out” Bernie insisted, having finished her initial examination. “The paramedics did a good job of treating the other wounds, but our primary concern is getting this knife out to stop the bleeding” She concluded, looking up at Serena who was already ordering the nurses around to prepare their patient for surgery while she retrieved her scrubs from the connecting room. 

 

By the time Serena returned to her side, Bernie had prepared their patient for surgery. As they wheeled the bed towards the elevators, the doors of AAU opened once more, with another team of paramedics floating in with not one, but two patients. “Head on RTC” One of the paramedics called, gaining the attention of the surgeons who stopped mid-step. 

 

It was times like this that Serena wished that she could split herself in two; help Bernie while still keeping on top of AAU.

 

“Serena, I’ve got this” Bernie assured her, watching as the woman across from her hesitated for a moment knowing that they generally took trauma surgeries together. Reaching out, she placed her hand against Serena’s wrist, “Go” She insisted, waiting until the surgeon had departed towards the latest arrivals in AAU before they continued their journey towards the operating room. 

 

\-------------

 

After her initial checks on the RTC patients, Serena accompanied the elder of the pair to an MRI screening while the patient’s daughter was taken for x-rays. By the time that she had returned and received the test results for the pair, Bernie had been in surgery for almost two hours. 

 

As the elevator came to a stop, Hanssen placed the portfolio under his arm, his eyes falling upon the general surgeon in front of him. “Ms. Campbell, have you seen Ms. Wolfe about?” He inquired, coming to a stop in front of the workstation where Serena had been typing up her latest set of patient review notes. “Trauma case came in a while ago, I think she’s still in surgery” Serena informed him, touch typing her notes while her attention was momentarily changed towards the hospital’s CEO. 

 

“I can tell her you were looking for her” She offered, unsure exactly why the man could be looking to speak to her partner in crime; perhaps the board had finally agreed on that extra funding they had asked for to provide a specialist trauma unit nurse. 

 

Reaching out, he slowly adjusted the uneven stack of reports and patient files that sat next to Serena’s computer screen. “Never mind, I shall go and wait for her. Good afternoon, Ms. Campbell,” Hanssen said, abruptly ending their conversation as he made his way towards the nearest operating room. With a shrug of her shoulder and a shake of her head, Serena went back to work, quickly forgetting the appearance of the hospital CEO, who was no doubt simply ensuring that their esteemed trauma surgeon was on her best behavior. 

 

——————————

 

By the time that Hanssen appeared in the viewing gallery of the operating room, Bernie was beginning to close up the wound, having managed to extract the knife from the patient’s lower abdominal tissue while also closing over the other two wounds and stopping the bleeding.  

 

Taking advance of the fact he had so far gone unnoticed, he took a moment to watch the trauma specialist at work. He wasn’t surprised at all that the army had wanted her back, especially after her former superiors had heard of her establishment of the permanent trauma unit at Holby. Pressing down on the intercom, he allowed his voice to fill the operating theater, “Ms. Wolfe, If I could speak to you for a minute,” He insisted, closely watching as the blonde haired woman visibly sighed and glanced down at her patient. 

 

Foreseeing the objection that was about to come, he once again pressed down on the intercom button. “Your job here is done, Ms. Wolfe. Please step out of the theater, I would like to have a word with you” Hanssen contended, dropping his finger off the intercom button as Bernie snapped the gloves off her fingers, displeased that her operation - even at the end - had been interrupted by the hospital CEO. Allowing the junior doctor to finish up with closing the patient, she dropped her used gloves into the bin before making her way to wash her hands while Hanssen waited outside in the hallway for her. 

 

Hanssen stood from his seat as Bernie appeared from the operating room, the door swinging shut behind her. “Mr. Hanssen” She greeted, placing her hands into the pockets of her scrubs to stop herself from fidgeting as she contemplated what exactly the man wanted to speak to her about. Hanssen was very rarely the giver of good news. 

 

Was he ending her contract? Had the funding for the trauma unit been revoked? 

Had the funding for the trauma unit been revoked? 

Had someone issued a complaint against her?

 

Reaching for the portfolio, he held it outstretched towards the surgeon. “This arrived on my desk this morning, it appears the army is looking their top trauma surgeon back in action” He revealed, his eyes fixed on Bernie as a gasp escaped her lips. “Kabul?” She questioned, hesitating for a moment before reaching out to take the portfolio from him. Hanssen nodded his head in agreement, “They would like you to go out and establish a new permanent string of trauma units across Kabul, both for the army and to assist in the civilian hospitals there - it’s a six-month assignment”

 

Not allowing herself to look through the brief that had been prepared for her, Bernie shut the cover over and shook her head. “As much as I would like to, I’m here now. I’m not part of that world anymore” She insisted, holding the portfolio out for him to take back, acting on her gut instinct to refuse the offer. She wasn't about to tempt her sense by looking at the portfolio that had been put together for her. As much as she missed the adrenaline rushes of the army, she had put that life behind her, or at least, she had assumed that it was all finished with now. 

 

Taking a step back, he put some space between them, not taking the portfolio back from the trauma surgeon. “Your colleagues and senior officers were glowing in their assessment of your skills and characters,” Henrik paused, taking a moment to examine the obvious discomfort in his companion’s face, “I do understand that they are different worlds, but you have to choose one, and live by its rules.” He reminded her, knowing that this was a problem that the woman had no doubt faced on a number of occasions throughout the duration of her adult life. 

 

“This could do amazing things for your career, Ms. Wolfe, don’t throw it all away. It's not an offer I expect will ever be made again” Hanssen concluded, sensing that the woman needed some time alone to contemplate her thoughts on the offer. “Let me know by the end of the week, Ms. Wolfe” He announced, before placing his hands together and walking away from the woman to allow her to consider the crossroads that she had found herself at. 

 

As Hanssen’s footsteps grew silent, Bernie shut her eyes tightly, her hand ruling into a fist as she gripped onto the portfolio. Why? Why now? Why should that part of her life come back to haunt her when everything, for once, was starting to work out?

 

————————————-

 

The restaurant was stunning, exactly the sort of place she would have expected Serena to frequently visit. A traditional Italian restaurant, not one of the cliche tourist ones that sold nothing but pizza and poorly selected wine. It was dimly lit, save for the flickering flames of the crimson candles of the candelabras that stood proudly in the center of each table. The music was classical jazz, yet suited the surroundings perfectly. The seats and tables were made out of dark mahogany, cushions and trinkets covered in crimson, with occasion hints of gold appearing throughout the decor. 

 

“Are you okay? You’re distracted” Serena asked, unable to hide her concern any longer. By this stage of dinner, Bernie would usually have been recounting some dramatic antidote  from her military years or sharing tales of her younger years when she had backpacked around Europe, much to the dismay of her parents. Occasionally, when things were bad, Serena would sit back and allow Bernie to vet about the difficulties that came with a divorce; from lawyers and ex-husbands to inconsiderate friends and the unfamiliarity of an empty house. Their dinners were rarely spent in moments of silence; let alone several minutes of it. In fact, Bernie hadn't been her usual self since the trauma surgery that afternoon.

 

Bernie clutched her wine glass, shaking her head as she forced her lips up into a half-hearted smile. “I’m fine, I’ve just got a tension headache” She lied, wishing that she could simply cure her problems with a simple aspirin. “Oh Bernie, you should have told me, we could have just gotten a takeaway instead of coming out here,” Serena sighed, placing her cutlery down as she started to rummage through her handbag for a painkiller to give to her dinner companion. 

  
“No, it’s fine…I wanted to, really” Bernie insisted, knowing that she should have tried to have spent more time with Serena. When would she ever have the chance to do it again? That was if she took the job offer. 

 

She was well aware of the fact that she wasn’t the easiest person to be around at the best of times, and over recent weeks and months, they had acted as each other's rock. If this had of been about anything else - her divorce, her problematic relationship with her children, even the trauma unit - then she would have gone to Serena for advice. She couldn’t this time. No, this was different. 

 

She couldn’t talk to anyone about this - not even Serena.

 

She had rejected a job offer once before when Charlotte was three years of age. She spent the next five years resenting the decision that she had made, which ultimately began the downturn in her marriage and her relationship with her family. 

 

Could she seriously turn down the chance to go back to the army? An opportunity like this would never arise again, and there was no doubt in her mind that this would be her last assignment if she accepted it. 

 

She had been happier at Holby than she had been in years, perhaps even happier than she had been during some of the better years of her marriage to Marcus. 

 

Her career was back on track, this time in trauma surgery in a hospital instead of in a war zone. She was finally taking charge of her life; her divorce from Marcus was practically finalised and while she was still yet to receive a response to her emails to Charlotte, she was starting to get back on track with her relationship with Cameron. 

 

And she and Serena had… _well, whatever their relationship was._  

 

Could she really give up on all of that to go back to the army?

 

After all, it would only be six months.

 

Surely everything could wait six months, she could properly finish her military career, and then give up on that world for good and finally ‘settle down’. 

 

As a former patient had once said, ‘ _you can leave the army, but the army never leaves you_ ’. 

 


	2. Where Do We Go From Here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is primarily a filler one, from Bernie's POV while the next chapter will focus a little more on Serena.

_Like waking up from a fantasy_

_And all that's left is you and me_

_We're invisible in a_ violet _sea_

_Dare to move_

_Dare to believe_

_Where do we go from here_

_Where do we go from here_

_How do you fly with no wings_

_How do you breathe without dreams_

_Where do we go from here_

_From here_

_From here_

> * * *

Who was she trying to kid? 

 

The army was her life; it was in her blood, part of her existence, part of her heritage. 

 

As a child, she had been fascinated by her grandfather’s war medals - the way the metal glimmered in the dim lighting of her grandparent’s cosy living room, how heavy each medal was in the palm of her tiny hands and how the elderly man’s eyes would fill with tears at the sight of his blonde haired granddaughter’s curiosity of a time where innocence was replaced with bloodshed and valleys of death. 

 

As a teenager, she had waited at the army bases for her father to return. Much to the annoyance of her mother, who along with her stepfather had often insisted that she waited until the man visited her. She was her father’s homecoming committee; her mind racing with questions about the front, while absentmindedly fidgeting with whatever trinket her father had brought home for her. 

 

Her father was a soldier, her mother was a doctor.

 

She was both.

 

They were both parts of her DNA. 

 

Killing the engine, Bernie shut her eyes as she leaned back in the driver’s seat, bringing her hands to rest on the steering wheel before placing her forehead down onto her hands. 

 

Marcus had tried to understand.

 

Yet, he never could. 

 

The sudden tapping on her window almost made Bernie jump out of her skin, causing her heart to beat like the clappers as she sat up straight in her seat, her back colliding with the soft leather behind her.

 

“Major Bernie!” Jason greeted, waving his hand as he took in the woman’s appearance. Her usual bright spark was replaced with dark circles under her eyes that hinted towards the need for heavy caffeine day. 

 

“Jason,” Bernie said, waiting for her heartbeat to level out before reaching over to turn down the car window. Serena clearly underestimated the talents of that boy sometimes. “Why are you sitting here alone?” He questioned, stepping forward to glance around the inside of the sports car. As per usual, the car was about as messy as her desk was. Her gym gear lay abandoned on the back seat, an old army jacket, and leggings under the passenger seat as an emergency outfit, with a collection of water bottles and coffee cups stashed around the car. “I just needed a moment to myself” Bernie insisted with a shrug, trying to throw off his concern. The last thing she needed was Jason telling Serena that she was acting even more out of character. 

 

“What’s that?” He asked, nodding towards the portfolio that sat on the passenger’s seat next to Bernie’s trench coat and satchel. “Oh, that?” Bernie asked, quickly turning herself to throw her bag over the portfolio to hide it from her friend’s curious nephew. “Just divorce stuff,” She lied sweetly, waiting for Jason to move away from her car. “Your car is even messier than your desk!” He proclaimed, stepping back from the car as Bernie opened the door and stepped out. 

 

Folding his arms, he watched as she retrieved her belongings from the passenger seat. She was almost thirty minutes later than usual, and while his aunt wasn’t known for her timekeeping skills, Bernie, on the other hand, was still running on military time. “Have you and Auntie Serena had a row?” Jason thought aloud, curious as to whether the trauma surgeon was deliberately late in an attempt to avoid his aunt.

 

“No, of course not!” Bernie protested, shaking her head, her eyes widening with surprise at the question.

 

Had Serena said something to Jason? Had she picked up on something during their dinner? Serena always could read her like a book.

 

“Whatever would make you think that?” Bernie asked, guiding the way towards the hospital, clearly concerned that she had already put her foot in it with Serena.

 

“Well, Auntie Serena is worried about you” Jason bluntly declared, seeing no reason to lie to the woman who he considered to be his aunt’s best friend. Turning her head away from him, Bernie let her eyes flutter shut for a moment, “You’ll keep an eye on your Auntie Serena for me, won’t you Jason?” Bernie asked, part of her knowing that she was at risk of letting her secret slip, while another part sought the security and comfort of knowing that if she did take the offer, then Serena wouldn’t be completely on her own again. 

 

“Of course, but you’re not going anywhere, are you?” He questioned as they stepped inside the elevator, disbelief clear in his voice as the wrinkles on his forehead became more evident. Bernie simply smiled softly at him and shook her head as the elevator doors shut.

 

Even she didn’t know the answer to that question yet. 

 

* * *

 

Bernie hadn't been avoiding Serena, in fact, she had sought the woman out on more than one occasion that morning and afternoon, yet her partner in crime seemed to be running under the radar. Walking out of the elevator and towards her office, she retrieved her phone from her scrubs, absentmindedly keying in a message to Serena.

 

The sight of a familiar head of brunette hair stopped Bernie in her tracks, “Cameron” She breathed, her eyes widening as she took in the appearance of her son, patches of blood staining his checked shirt while he looked as though he could do with a strong shot of caffeine.  

 

“Hello, Mum” Cameron greeted, stepping away from the cubicle and heading towards the older woman who had come to a halt in the middle of the ward. “Shouldn’t you be at uni?” She questioned, her voice intertwined with uncertainty as she headed towards her son. Cameron had a hidden talent for ending up in the wrong place at the wrong time, a habit that didn’t seem to be going away with age. 

 

“Day off, I was helping out at the day center when one of our regulars had a bit of an accident,” He explained, nodding towards the elderly woman in the first bed, “I nominated myself to go with her in the ambulance and take her back again”. Cameron added, having half taken the responsibility to be able to see his mother again. He had only seen her on a hand full of occasion after his accident, primarily due to the fragile nature of her relationship with his father and sister. That wasn’t his battle to fight, and he was hardly going to stop seeing his own mother to keep those two happy.

 

Glancing over at the cubicle, she took in the sight of the patient who must have arrived while she was in surgery. “I’ll do the initial examination if you want” She offered, already sanitizing her hands as she headed towards the patient, collecting her notes from the foot of the bed, listening as Cameron listed off the woman’s prior medical history.

 

* * *

 

Having finished her examination, and asked one of the nearby nurses to run a series of tests on the patient, Bernie took a quick glance at the clock before deciding that it would be a suitable time to take her lunch break. “Why don’t you go and grab my purse from the office and we can go for lunch?” Bernie suggested, keen to spend some one-on-one time with her son, even more so before she reached a conclusion about her latest job opportunity. 

 

Perhaps she could find Serena while she was out and about. 

 

“Sure, I’ll be back in a sec,” Cameron said, already heading down the ward towards the office that Serena and Bernie shared. As he stepped inside, he sighed at the sight of his mother’s desk, and the stark contrast that it was compared to the cleanliness of Serena’s. Clearly, some things never changed. Lifting Bernie’s purse from the top of a mountain-sized pile of papers, Cameron groaned and rolled his eyes when the folders underneath proceeded to tumble down onto the desk, creating an even greater mess. As talented a trauma surgeon as his mother was, organisation was certainly not a talent she could claim to possess. Gathering up the papers, stacking the patient files on top of each other, he stopped when a cardboard folder caught his attention. The headed paper, directly from the address of the General, could mean only one thing.

 

_His mother was going back to the army._

 

Just like she always had done, even when he was a child.

 

_Why should now be any different?_

 

Seeing Cameron reemerge from the office, Bernie sat the patient’s x-rays down onto work station. Her smile dropped as she noticed the tension in her son’s face, and the item he was wrapped his fist around. 

 

“Are you going to take it?” He asked an accusatory tone to his voice, his fingers clutching the cardboard folder with such a grip that Bernie momentarily thought he was going to rip it in two out of frustration. “Honestly, I really don’t know” She confessed, confining in her son as she stepped forward to take the portfolio from him, slipping his hands away as she led the way back towards her office.

 

She of all people was aware that the walls had ears, and the last thing she need was Serena finding out about this through the grapevine. 

 

“Are you even going to talk to dad about it?” Cameron asked, folding his arms as he leaned against the desk, shaking his head as he considered just how much her decision could damage the already shattered state of their family unit. “What about Charlie, doesn’t she have a right to know?” He added a moment later, watching as his mother visibly shifted at the mention of his younger sister. 

 

“Cameron, your sister still won’t answer my messages. Your father wants nothing to do with me.” Bernie insisted, her voice dropping as it filled with self-pity, hatred for herself that she had allowed things to get that bad. 

 

Lifting his head, Cameron glanced at the side of the office that belonged to Serena. Even though the woman wasn’t there, her presence still hung in the air. “What about Serena?” He inquired, knowing that he was playing with fire by bringing up the woman at the center of his mother’s affections. “What about her?” Bernie asked, caught off guard by the fact that her son had brought up her fellow surgeon. Yes, Cameron had been the first person to call her out on her feelings for Serena, but the last thing she had expected was for him to bring her up a heartbeat after mentioning Marcus and Charlotte. 

 

“Surely she has a right to know,” He protested, his eyes catching sight of the other surgeon as she milled around the ward attending her patients, “You two are practically an item.” He concluded, mentally recalling the phone call he had with Jason a few days ago. Bernie was a regular guest at their house, an essential part of fish and chips night, who on more than one occasion had dropped into the house unannounced with a bottle of shiraz and a takeaway. From what Jason had told him, the pair were practically connected at the hip. 

 

A pregnant pause filled the room, the silence almost deafening as Bernie shut her eyes, clearly uncomfortable at the mention of Serena. Cameron was right. She deserved to know, but Bernie couldn’t bring herself to tell her. She couldn’t bring herself to be another cause of Serena’s unhappiness. If she chose to take the offer and Serena tried to stop her, it would be like Marcus all over again. Yet, if she didn’t take the offer for the sake of her relationship with Serena, and then ended up regretting her decision, then it could damage any kind of relationship that they hoped to embark on.

 

“How long do you have to make your mind up?” Cameron asked, feeling as though he was interrogating his own mother. “Until the end of the week” Bernie replied, defensively crossing her arms as she walked around her son to sit herself down in her chair, feeling her knees going weak at the thought of having to confront Serena with her news. 

 

She was the only one stopping her from accepting the offer in a heartbeat. The only one thing that was keeping her here. She had left Marcus and her children plenty of times, and their family had broken apart from it. 

 

“At least consider talking to her about it. I understand not talking to Charlotte about it, even not talking to Dad about it - but you need someone to talk to about this” Cameron said, attempting to reason with her mother to make her see the error of her ways. For once, she had someone worth fighting for, and someone who would fight for her. Would she seriously throw that all away for one final placement in the army? 

 

Silence once again filled the emptiness of the room. 

 

“I need to get back to work,” Cameron decided, standing up straight and heading towards the door, “Just promise me you’ll talk to someone about this - even if it’s Serena” He insisted, hoping that for once his mother would take on board the advice that was being given to her. 

 

Leaning forward, he kissed Bernie’s cheek, “Call me when you make your mind up,” He reminded her, stepping away once more before shutting the door behind him. 

 

Sighing heavily, Bernie let her head fall into her hands as she shut her eyes, locking out the outside world. 

 

Perhaps Cameron was right and she should talk to Serena about her offer, but the woman had enough to deal with at the minute.

 

_A part of her, deep down in the depths of her soul, already knew what her answer was going to be._

 

* * *

 

Bernie spent the remainder of the day working between surgeries and patients on the ward, not once catching sight of her partner in crime, with the exception of a text message from the woman informing her that she was in a meeting. Deciding not to wait up on her, she slung her satchel over her shoulder and made her way out of the ward, contemplating whether she should - for the first time in years - call her sister for advice.

 

She was that bottled up in her own thoughts that it took her a moment to register who the couple was that were walking ahead of her. “Serena!” Bernie called, jogging lightly to catch up with the other surgeon and her companion, who turned out to be Raf.  “I’ve hardly seen you today!” Serena exclaimed, coming to a stop in the hallway as she heard the other woman call her name, a playful smile bouncing on her lips as she greeted Bernie.

 

“Well, nice to see you again stranger” Bernie joked, holding her hand out for Serena to shake.

 

She couldn’t deny that their hands held each other for longer than necessary, her fingers unwilling to slip away from the soft skin of Serena’s hands. 

“You can blame Hanssen for keeping me from you today, only he could still need me to write reports even when I’m no longer Deputy CEO” Serena said, expressing her frustrations by rolling her eyes to the heavens and back. “I’ll try not to get too jealous” Bernie teased, feeling the weight from her shoulders lift as her worries seemed to slip away from her. Serena had that effect on her; the ability to calm her down, she knew exactly what to say, and what not to say. 

 

“Raf and I are going to Albie’s for a drink, do you want to join us?” Serena offered as she walked in sync with the woman beside her. As tempting as the offer was, Bernie knew she couldn’t hold off on sitting down and making her decision for much longer. “I’m afraid not this time,” Bernie said, rejecting her offer with a heavy heart, knowing that there were few other places that she would rather be that evening, but knowing that she had to come to her decision by herself.

 

“Are you okay?” Serena asked, her voice laced with concern as she walked towards Bernie, resisting the urge to take the woman in her arms and give her a full examination. She hadn’t been herself the past two days, and even though she hadn’t seen her today, Serena could sense that something was off with her. “Is it your head again?” She questioned, already digging in her bag for her emergency painkillers. 

 

Usually, she would have jumped at the chance to have spent the evening with Serena. Not tonight though, tonight she had to make her decision once and for all.

 

“I just want an early night” Bernie confessed honestly, knowing that she needed time alone to make her decision. “Okay, well, text me whenever you get home, okay?” Serena asked softly, her hand reaching out to touch Bernie’s arm for a brief moment before Raf shouted up the corridor for her to hurry up. “I’ll see you in the morning” She said, her hand slipping away from Bernie as she started her journey up the corridor. 

 

“Have a drink for me” Bernie called back, causing Serena to stop mid-step and turn to face the woman.“Don’t I always” Serena joked, wrapping her cashmere scarf around her neck before continuing on down the hallway to where Raf was waiting on her. 


	3. One More Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, you can strike what I said about this chapter being from Serena's POV. I wanted to show the reasons for Bernie's decision from her own POV, especially as we see such little of it in the show.

**Chapter Three | One More Night**

 

_So I cross my heart and I hope to die_

_That I'll only stay with you one more night_

_And I know I said it a million times_

_But I'll only stay with you one more night_

 

* * *

 

 

Bernie hadn’t been waiting on her, well not exactly. As the familiar convertible pulled up into the car park, she did however practically jump out of the driver’s seat and walk across the parking lot to where Serena was retrieving her belongings from the boot of her car. “Good morning,” Bernie greeted, stepping forward to take some of the folders from Serena’s hands, giving her the ability to get her laptop out of the boot along with her handbag. “Good morning,” Serena said, returning the greeting as she closed the boot before locking her car, glad that the army medic had been around to lighten her load. 

 

“Are you feeling better?” Serena question, glad to see that it appeared as though an early night in had helped Bernie. Either that or she had become expertly good at applying enough concealer to hide her the dark circles under her eyes. “A little” Bernie revealed, quick to brush off any concern that Serena might have.

 

She had made her bed, and she would lie in it. Serena on the other hand, shouldn’t be expected to bear the consequences of her decision.

 

“I think we both deserve a coffee - I’ve never been so glad that to see Friday in my life!” Serena exclaimed, keen to get her first shot of caffeine in her. There was already a list of surgeries that needed to be performed, and no doubt another stack of patient reviews that would need her attention. Reaching the counter at pulse, she set her laptop down on the counter before retrieving her purse from her bag, “The usuals please” Serena ordered, shaking her head when Bernie reached for her own purse. “I’ve got this, you can pay me back later,” She insisted, knowing without little doubt that she probably was still in debt to Bernie anyway, given how many coffees the woman brought to her every week. 

 

There would come a time, sooner than she would care to admit, that Bernie would have to find a way to repay Serena for her kindness. 

 

As first and foremost her friend; before everything and anything else that they may be to each other.

 

The heat of her coffee brought a sense of feeling back to her fingers as she took a moment to take in the finer details of Serena’s appearance. The way her collar was never exactly straight, how her earrings were clearly vintage and no doubt inherited, and the manner by which her nails were always perfectly manicured and kept polished. 

 

Her perfume, Black Opium, always hung in the air around her; as intoxicating as the first drop of whiskey. 

 

When they reached AAU, she walked behind Serena, taking a moment to allow the scene to play out in front of her. This place had become a second home for her, even whenever she didn’t technically have a one to begin with. Leaving was never easy, but if she didn’t go now, then she would never be able to leave. She would become entwined in the inner-workings of the scene, become too emotionally attach to the finest details of her life. She would become too invested in the people around her; Raf, Fletch, Morven, Fletch’s kids, Jason…

 

_Serena._

 

Stepping into their office, she shut the door gently behind her, taking a sip of her coffee, letting the liquid burn the back of her throat, “I have a meeting with Hanssen, I shouldn’t be too long” Bernie revealed, reaching into her desk drawer to retrieve the folder at the top. “Anything to worry about?” Serena questioned, stopping her trivial tasks to give her companion her undivided attention. As talented of a trauma surgeon her friend may be, her diplomatic skills always did leave something to be desired; perhaps that was why they worked so well.

 

Opposites always did attract.

 

“Just budgets for the trauma unit, nothing exciting” Bernie lied, finishing her coffee before dropping her empty container into the bin. Glancing across the office, she felt her lips turn up in a smile as she looked at Serena. 

 

One more day. That was all she wanted. One more day of being act like this was going to end. One more day of pretending that she wasn’t about to risk messing up another relationship. 

 

“No worries, I’ll man our ship till you get back, Major” Serena joked, letting a chuckle escape her lips as they curled up, the wrinkles at her eyes more evident as she allowed her professional mask to slip. The mask was practically non-existent around Bernie to begin with. As the door shut behind Bernie, Serena gave herself a moment to calm down, let the smile slip from her face and return to her professional persona. 

 

* * *

 

As a knock sounded at his door, Hanssen looked up from his computer screen, “Come in” He called, closing down his screen as the door opened. As he came face to face with his guest, he wasn’t surprised. He had been expecting to see her yesterday, but clearly he had overestimated how quickly the army medic could come to her decision. 

 

“Good afternoon, Ms. Wolfe,” Hanssen greeted, standing up from his desk as he nodded his head towards the doctor as she stepped into his office. “Afternoon, Mr. Hanssen” Bernie acknowledged him with a nod of her head before taking the seat that he offered her.

 

“I am guessing that you have come to your decision” He said, watching as the woman crossed and uncrossed her legs in an uncharacteristically nervous moment. Clearly, whatever decision she had reached, it hadn't been an easy one to get to.

 

“Yes, I have,” Bernie said, taking a deep breath as she folded her hands together to stop her from fidgeting, “I am going to take the offer. It’s only six months, and if you would allow it, I would appreciate it if I could take it as a career break, and come back to Holby once my work with the army is officially completed” She explained, knowing that it was selfish of her to ask, but the knowledge that she could walk back into this world would make her decision easier to live with.

 

“One last blaze of glory,” Hanssen commented, understanding why she would want to finish her military career on a high, and on more than just an honorable discharge due to her accident. “Is Ms. Campbell aware that you’ve made your mind up?” He inquired, his curiosity getting the better of him as he brought up her partner in crime. If anyone could influence Bernie’s decision, then it would clearly be Serena who would have the greatest sway. 

 

Bernie shook her head in response. She should have suspected that out of everyone who worked in the hospital, that the grapevine would ensure that Henrik Hanssen heard the rumors one way or another. Hanssen, Ric and Raf; the three men whom Serena was nearest to in the hospital. No doubt the other two would come banging on her door as soon as the news of her impending departure would be released to the gossip circles of Holby. 

 

Standing from his seat, he rounded his desk to stand before her “Have you told her anything yet?” He queried, knowing that if anyone should be informed of Bernie’s decision, then it should be Serena, regardless of whatever personal relationship might exist between the pair. 

 

A silence filled the room as Bernie broke eye contract with Hanssen. Her decision had been one where her heart had been overruled by her head. She couldn’t explain her reasoning to anyone, least of all the hospital CEO, regardless of whether he was friends with Serena or not.

 

“Tomorrow,” Bernie promised, knowing that she could only hold off the inevitable for so long “I’ll do it tomorrow, just give me today” She breathed, well aware that the longer she waited, the more damage she was likely to cause. For once, she was going to be selfish; for once, she was going to indulgence herself. That was all she wanted. One last day where she could act as though they were living in a blissful bubble. 

 

Taking the folder from her, Hanssen turned his back to Bernie as he returned to his seat, “You have to tell her eventually. She deserves to know. It is up to you to find the courage to tell her,” He insisted, well aware of just how passionate and headstrong both the women could be. 

 

_Bernie had made her decision; now she would have to live with it._

 

Her fingernails dug into the leather of the armrests, as her breath caught in her throat. Pursing her lips, she shook her head. “Growing up in my family, I was expected to follow in everyone’s footsteps.” Bernie explained, finding herself rambling as she sought some kind of way to redeem herself in his eyes, “My grandfather and father had both been in the army, and my mother was a doctor - so naturally I wanted to please both of them so I became an army medic” She continued, as though rehearsing what she would say when justifying her departure to Serena. 

 

Hanssen held up his hand to silence her attempt to redeem herself through a longwinded speech, “You have no need to explain your reasoning to me, Ms. Wolfe” He snapped, well aware that her decision was going to have a negative effect on both his friend and the overall running of his hospital. “Your job will be waiting for you when you return, I don’t expect you to work out your notice. You can finish after your shift tomorrow, I believe the army want you out as soon as possible” He concluded, his voice clinically professional as he turned back to his computer screen, allowing the noise of his keyboard to fill the emptiness of the room before Bernie left, the door slamming shut behind her. 

 

——————————-

 

Bernie hadn’t been avoiding Serena. No, in fact, it was rather the opposite. She found herself watching her friend from afar. The way she seemed to breeze out of one room and into another, like ships in the night, a Captain manning her ship. A natural air of authority followed her, but she never allowed it to consume her. 

 

Serena was going to hate her for this, yet her decision had been made and there was nothing she could do about that now.

 

When Fletch’s children appeared, dragging Raf behind them, she absorbed the scene before her as Evie and Mickey naturally gravitated towards Serena. Those kids depended on Serena almost as much as she did. As Serena ruffled Mickey’s hair and took a moment to fix the collar of Evie’s blouse, Bernie let her gaze switched to Raf as he appeared at her side with the youngest pair.

 

“The kids were wondering if you and Serena might come for dinner on Sunday,” Raf said, placing Theo down onto the desk as he dropped the kid's bag onto the floor. It was no secret that the kids loved the pair of them, sometimes clearly much preferring their company to that of Raf’s. It was always easier when one, or both of them, were around. 

 

Pursing her lips, Bernie unwillingly nodded her head slowly, “I’ll speak to Serena about it” She assured him, knowing that it was highly likely only one of them would be going to dinner that weekend.

 

_More people to disappoint; more people to upset by leaving._

 

When had she allowed herself to become some enwrapped in this life?

 

“Are you taking them up to see Fletch?” Bernie asked, her eyes momentarily scanning the room to where Serena stood, showing Evie how to correctly read the layout of the patient charts. “Yeah, just for a little while though” Raf replied, picking Theo up as he called for the other kids to go the elevator.

 

They all deserved someone far better than her; Serena deserved someone who could give her the world. Not a coward who would rather run back into battle for a final blaze of glory than face up to her true feelings and settle down for the first time in her life. 

 

* * *

 

By the time that Serena got off her shift, she had hardly seen Bernie since Fletch’s kids had come by to visit. A quick scan of their office, the ward and the operating rota proved a dead end. When she finally tracked down the blonde, at Albie’s no less, she had already consumed half a bottle of Jack - no doubt drinking it neat. 

 

“Serena!” Bernie called, waving her friend over as she pushed out the stool beside her. Crossing the bar, Serena ignored the puzzled glances and whispered that followed in her wake, and sat herself down on the offered seat. 

 

_Whatever was wrong with Bernie, she clearly needed a large swing of dutch courage to get through it._

 

Placing her empty glass on the bar counter, Bernie shook her head as her lips curled up in a quivering smile; so much for staying professional. Serena lifted the glass out of Bernie’s reach, her heart skipping a beat as she took in the way her shoulder’s tensed up as though they held the weight of the world on them. 

 

“You’re smiling like you’re about to cry. Are you sure that you’re okay Bernie?” Serena asked, concern masking her face as she lowered her voice so that no one else could be privy to their conversation. Reaching out, she took a hold of the woman’s hand, slipping her fingers through Bernie’s. As much as Bernie wanted to flinch away from her touch, she allowed herself to indulge in the warmth of Serena’s skin.

 

“Perfectly fine” Bernie assured her, her eyes going up to the ceiling as she blinked back the tears before she took a moment to look at Serena. 

 

Whatever was wrong with her, Serena decided, they could talk about it in the morning.

 

Standing from her stool, Serena never once dropped her hand from Bernie’s. “Let’s get you home,” She decided, using her free hand to slip Bernie’s trench coat around the woman’s shoulder before helping her off the stool. “I don’t want to go home - it’s so lonely there,” Bernie whispered, shaking her head before she raised her left hand to her forehead as she leaned her back against the stool to keep herself upright. 

 

“You can stay in Ellie’s room” Serena offered, resting her hand on the small of Bernie’s back as she began to walk the woman out of the bar, throwing a glare that could cut through steel at any imbecile who dared to pass a judgemental glance at Bernie. “You can stay as long as you like,” She assured her, biting down on her lip as she considered all the reasons for why Bernie could have ended up in such a state.

 

_The divorce._

 

_Her children._

 

_Alex._

 

Bernie nodded her head, deciding that there was no point putting up a fight. If only she could stay as long as she wanted to. If she had it in her, then she would never leave. 

 

Never leave Holby. Never leave her family. Never leave Serena. 

 

If she stayed at Serena’s tonight, then perhaps she could find the courage in the morning to tell her the truth, to tell her that she was about to royally mess everything up again.

 

The car journey to Serena’s house was a quiet one, the emptiness filled with the gentle jazz music that played from Serena’s stereo. Bernie spent the short journey with her eyes shut in a bid to sober up, while simultaneously enjoying being in Serena’s company. 

 

As the car came to a stop in the driveway, Bernie stood up slowly, following Serena up the familiar steps to her house. A victorian townhouse that for all its old world charm, had become a mashup of modernism and antiques. “Go on up, I’m just going to check that everything is locked up” Serena announced, standing back at the door as Bernie kicked off her pumps, leaving them under the stairs between Serena’s Prada flats and Jason’s trainers. The house always had a different energy when Bernie was there, even now when she was intoxicated and tearful. 

 

Stopping at the foot of the stairs, Bernie dropped her coat on the clothes peg that had unconsciously become her own. “I don’t deserve you,” Bernie confessed, her voice threatening to break as she struggled to keep it level, her senses returning to her for a moment as she shook her head, her eyes fixed on the woman as she bit the side of her lip, before turning on her heel and heading up the stairs. 

 

“Does anyone?” Serena joked, her eyes fixed on the other woman as she stumbled up the stairs, not bothering to hide the fact that she was openly admiring Bernie’s ass in those jeans. She had put the woman's behavior down to stress and her known affection for whiskey; brushing off the concern that was nagging away at the back of her mind.

 

As Bernie shut the door of Elinor’s bedroom, she shook her head as she caught sight of the PJs and toiletries that had been set out since her last overnight stay at Serena’s home. There was even a miniature bottle of her Guerlain perfume amongst it all. 

 

No, Serena.

 

No one deserved you, least of all Berenice bloody Wolfe. 

 


	4. Please Don't Drive Me Blind

 

_Don't go and leave me,_

_And please don't drive me blind,_

_Don't go and leave me,_

_And please don't drive me blind._

 

_You don't believe me, but you do this every time,_

_Please don't drive me blind._

_Please don't drive me blind._

 

* * *

 

 

_Dearest Serena…._

 

No, that wouldn’t do.

 

_Serena…._

 

Too informal.

 

Wrapping her fist around the paper, she twisted the paper into a ball before sending it flying across the room into the nearby bin.

 

_Idiot. Idiot. Idiot._

 

Lifting her feet onto the seat, she brought her knees to her chest as she rested her forehead against her knees. She had practically darted out of Serena’s house at five o’clock in the morning, unable to handle the thought of deceiving her, of taking up any more of her time. She had scribbled an apology on a post-it note and stuck it on the fridge.

 

_Like a childish lover slipping away under the cover of darkness._

 

Yet, she wasn’t that.

 

She was more than a friend, but not a lover, simply dancing around the thin line between friendship and love.

 

The night nurses were only beginning to change over to their day shift counterparts, so the ward was largely silent; a silence that Bernie thought was about to swallow her whole and consume her with each passing moment. 

 

Reaching for her phone, she skimmed through her contacts until she found the number she was searching for.

 

“ _Can you meet me at pulse in thirty minutes_?” She texted, leaving back in her seat as she anxiously waited for a response, only for it to follow thirty-seconds later, accompanied by a ‘ding’ on her phone.

 

As she tried to kill the time, Bernie took out two headache tablets and quickly swallowed them. Her raging headache was a punishment for her stupidity the night before. A reminder that she had showed up not only herself, but also Serena. 

 

Heading to the elevator, she clutched her phone in her hand.

 

Would Serena ring her when she woke up and discovered the bedroom was empty?

 

Would she worry that something was wrong?

 

Would she panic? 

 

_Coward. Coward. Coward._

 

She was dragged out of her thoughts by the server at Pulse, who appeared far too giddy for half six on a Saturday morning, “The usual for you and Ms. Campbell?” She questioned, her words causing a lump to form in Bernie’s throat before she shook her head in a bid to regain her composure. “A black coffee and an americano” Bernie ordered, retrieving the money to pay for her drinks before shoving her hands into her pockets to stop herself from fidgeting. 

 

Bernie deliberately picked the table at the very back, out of sight from the main entrance of the hospital. Given the early hour of the day, she doubted that anyone would pay much attention to their surroundings, let alone spot her sitting there, nursing a stiff coffee and a nauseating hangover. 

 

The only courage she had was out of a bottle, that much was clear. 

 

“I haven’t kept you waiting, have I?” Cameron asked as he arrived at his mother’s table, sitting himself down across from her. “No, I’ve only just got here” Bernie assured him, relieved that her son had actually shown up. There was a time in the not so distant past where the young man would have even ignored her phone calls, let alone come running when she asked to see him at an ungodly hour on a Saturday morning. 

 

“How are you?” He asked, knowing that it had to be something urgent for his mother to call him. In the back of his mind, he suspected that it had something to do with her job offer, and more importantly, Serena.

 

Bernie sighed, shaking her head, her eyes focused on the ground below her as she tried to formulate her thoughts into words. “This isn’t your fault. You do realize that, don’t you?” Cameron assured her, reaching out slowly to take his mother’s hand to show her that he was on her side, whatever her decision was. 

 

“Then why do I feel so bad?” She asked honestly, wondering if the horrible feeling at the pit of her stomach was her own body telling her that she was making a mistake. She was caught between a rock and a hard place; damned if she did, and damned if she didn’t.

 

“The army is in your blood, you didn’t get to give it a proper goodbye. This is your last swing at it,  going out in a blaze of glory. I can’t blame you for wanting to finish the job you started” Cameron said, knowing that it was practically his duty to ensure that his mother did what would inevitably make her happy. It was only six months; they could all survive. He would make sure of it. 

 

Bernie moved her gaze towards the main entrance of the hospital, as though expecting to see the woman in question appear through them at any moment, “I don’t know how I’m going to tell Serena,” She breathed, knowing that the woman would hate her for keeping it from her, and no doubt someday grow to hate her for leaving. “You said you were going to tell her, what happened?” Cameron questioned, recalling how his mother never had any problems with leaving their father behind, and how a bottle of her perfume and a packet of sweets had always been her parting gifts to him and Charlotte. 

 

“I couldn't do it,” Bernie confessed, ashamed at her own cowardliness, “I practically ran out of her house this morning….” She announced, resisting the urge to hang her head in shame as she thought of how cruel she had been. Yet she couldn’t stand it. She couldn’t stand being so close to Serena, acting so domestic with her, only to turn around and have to break her heart.

 

Cameron raised his eyebrow at her throw away comment about spending the night in Serena’s home but decided not to press her on the issue. He could practically see her thoughts turning in her head. He knew that she needed to rant, to express her thoughts and learn to understand them and accept them. Leaning back in his seat, he crossed his arm as he waited for his mother to speak.

 

“In the army, I was in total control,” Bernie revealed, knowing that she had to vent her feelings to someone, “and now I feel that control being stripped away and I hate it.” 

 

For her entire adult life, she had been the definition of a control freak, and the army had given her that applied to be in control. She had struggled to control her family life, and more often than not it was Marcus who was in control. She could departmentalise her feelings, push them all away for the sake of being in control.

 

Yet, now? Now that seemed impossible. 

 

“Maybe I should just stop fighting and accept it,” She paused, contemplating her own thoughts for a moment before continuing, “accept that I don’t belong here.” 

 

Did she truly belong anywhere?

 

“I can’t tell you how to feel,” Cameron insisted, knowing that his mother had come to her decision and that she had to learn to accept it. “Just whatever you do, remember that it’s only six months and then you’re finished for good,” He said, a sense of hope slipping into his voice. HIs mother had been away for longer than that before, even when he was a child, and back then it had worked out relatively fine. Six months would finish her in the army for good, then she could close that chapter of her life and look forward to the rest of it, assured in the knowledge that she had finished her military career on a high. 

 

Standing from his seat, he threw a glance at the door where most of the doctors and nurses were beginning to appear for their day shifts. “Love makes crazy people of us all” He reminded her, knowing that she would never have contemplated her decision as much if she had of still been with his father, giving his final words of wisdom before leaving his mother alone to contemplate her feelings. 

 

* * *

 

 

When Bernie heard the office door creak open, she resisted the urge to hide under her desk. A pregnant pause filled the room as Serena stood against the doorframe. Refusing to look Serena in the eye, Bernie turned to her computer and began replying to one of her emails, allowing the sound of her fingertips pressing down on the keyboard to fill the room, though it only added to the tension that could have been cut with a butter knife. 

 

“What happened to you this morning?” Serena asked, closing the door behind her before she came to a stop in front of Bernie’s desk, crossing her arms as she waited for the other woman to turn and face her. From the lack of makeup on her face and the way that she clutching onto her travel coffee mug for dear life, Bernie suspected that Serena hadn’t wasted any time in getting into work today.

 

How would she have reacted if Serena had slipped out at dawn, leaving a cryptic note behind on the kitchen fridge?

 

_Idiot. Idiot. Idiot._

 

“I’m sorry, I got a phone call from Cameron saying that he needed to see me and I sort of darted out,” Bernie lied, thinking on her feet as she tried to laugh off Serena’s concern, for all to soon she would find out the truth and everything would surely go down hill from there. 

 

Serena visibly rolled her eyes as she sighed in relief, dropping her bags down onto the floor as she sat herself down on the desk chair. “You nearly gave me a heart attack,” She exclaimed, reaching for her coffee to provide her with some much-needed caffeine. 

 

“Who would have guessed that it would be this late in the game that I would become an overprotective mother” Bernie tried to joke, hoping that she could lift the tension that was still filling the room. 

 

Motherhood was a tough topic for both of them; after all, neither of them had exactly ideal relationships with their children. Elinor was still caught up between her two parents, Cameron had finally started talking to Bernie again, while Charlotte continued to allow her mother’s phone calls to go to voicemail. 

 

“Look, I’ll go and get us both a coffee, you probably need another anyway. Why don’t you sit down and wait here?” Bernie offered, knowing that she needed more caffeine to cure her headache while Serena would no doubt need it as well.

 

* * *

 

With a coffee in each hand, Bernie stepped out of the elevator when it arrived at AAU, her heart dropping when she saw that the blinds were still shut in their office. Serena only kept them shut whenever she wanted to shut out the rest of the world, or in this case, the ward and all its chaos. 

 

Practically out of nowhere, she halted to a stop when Raf appeared in front of her, “Can I talk to you for a minute?” Raf questioned, his tone harsher than usual, bordering on frustration, as though he was snapping at her. “Of course,” Bernie agreed, nodding her head before leading the man into the side room that was currently unoccupied. 

 

Closing the blind, Raf was tempted to lock the door before he turned to face the woman. “What are you playing at?” He snapped, finally losing it as he glared at the woman. As much as he considered her to be his friend, his friendship with Serena was far deeper than the one he had with Bernie. They had been there for each other through good times and bad; he considered her as being the big sister he never had. Consider it brotherly affection, but he felt as though it was his duty to harass Bernie on the news he had just heard. “Ric told me that you’re leaving, why didn’t you tell any of us?” He asked, clearly unimpressed as he began to pace the room, as though he was trying to drill a hole in the floorboards. 

 

Bernie closed her eyes, mentally trying to calculate how much longer she had left before the gossip circle would ensure that the information had found its way to Serena. “Raf, you have to…” She started, setting the coffees down on the cabinet before moving towards him. “What did Serena say?” He abruptly cut her off, intrigued to the answer he might receive but well aware that curiosity could kill the cat. 

 

_Had Bernie lost her mind?_

 

“I haven’t told her yet” Bernie confessed, breaking eye contact with him as she waited for him to finally blow a casket and let his anger out on her, as the guilt began to consume her as the colour drained from her skin. 

 

Instead, the opposite happened.

 

“You haven’t told her?” Raf questioned, his voice dropping almost to a whisper as he let the information sink in. Bernie was leaving, and Serena knew nothing about it. “Bernie, what are you playing at?” He demanded, knowing that the news would kill Serena. He had always suspected that there was something going on between Bernie and Serena, but Ric had practically confirmed it by chasing him down to tell him about Bernie leaving, with a message to make sure that Serena was okay. 

 

Bernie remained silent, allowing him to speak down to her as she crossed her arms and turned her eyes away from him. 

 

“Well, you can say goodbye to the kids tomorrow, I guess,” He thought aloud, knowing that Evie and Mikey would never forgive her if she darted off into the night without saying goodbye to them. 

 

Bernie felt like kicking herself or curling up into the fetal position.

 

More people to leave behind, another set of children she would be letting down.

 

“Raf, I report to the army base first thing on Monday morning,” Bernie informed him, struggling to keep a straight face as she looked him dead in the eyes, her hands shaking as she tried to recompose herself. 

 

She couldn’t be like this when she spoke to Serena; she had to man up and deal with her decision.

 

It was only six months, yet the world could change in half that time. 

 

Shaking his head, now no longer able to contain his upset and annoyance, he moved towards the door, stopping when his hand wrapped around the handle of it, “Do us all a favour and tell her as soon as you can get her alone!” He exclaimed, letting the door swing shut behind him on the way out, his feet carrying him out of the ward and straight up towards Fletch’s room.

 

* * *

 

By the time that Bernie had made it back to their office, Serena had been called out to a patient. Abandoning the two lukewarm coffees on the desks, Bernie dropped her head into her hands, taking half a dozen deep breaths as she forced herself to calm down.

 

It was only six months.

 

Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted two cardboard boxes sitting against her bin. Clearly, someone from HR was dropping an unsubtle hint that it was time for her to clear her desk; as temporary as her absence may be.

 

Lifting one of the boxes, she made quick work of unceremoniously dumping her files, reports, and papers inside. Someone else could deal with them later. Someone else could clean up that mess. No one would be there to clean up her other messes. No one would be there to pick up the tatters of her life once she left.

 

With the surface of desk now practically empty, she pushed the box of files over to the side before assembling the second one; clearly for her personal possessions, not that she had many of them. A few trinkets that she kept darted around the place; a polaroid photo of Charlotte and Cameron when they were children, the occasion medical journal, a copy of the menu from an Italian restaurant she and Serena had visited for lunch two weeks prior, and an emergency change of jeans and a blouse that were hidden away in one of the drawers of her desk.

 

Venturing into the bottom drawer, she reached out to take the cashmere scarf out from the back, surprised to find a smaller bottle of her Guerlain perfume beside it, recalling how she had managed to misplace both items several weeks previously, clearly having forgotten that she had put them in there for safe keeping.

 

She would have no use for them.

 

Lifting the lid off the perfume bottle, she slowly sprayed the fragrance across the buttery soft material of the scarf, letting it sink into the fibers. Moving around to Serena’s desk, she opened the top drawer, placing both items on top of Serena’s copy of Hello magazine, a guilty pleasure that Bernie more than once had made a joke about. 

 

Running to her side of the desk, she placed the lid on the second box, shutting it over as she heard the door openly behind her, followed by the sound of Serena’s voice. “Oh, Bernie, remind me to pick up a cake or something to bring to the kids tomorrow…” Serena said, her focus on the phone in her hand as she tapped away at the screen.

 

As Serena looked up from her phone, it almost slipped from her hand as she took in the scene before her. Bernie’s side of the office had been completely packed up. All that was left were two boxes; one of her personal effects and another for the patient files and reports that she had been working on. 

 

“Bernie, what’s going on?” Serena asked, dropping her belongings on her desk before stepping in front of her friend. The confused look on Serena’s face, the visible worry in her eyes, the breathlessness of her voice; it was all like a dagger through Bernie’s heart, one that was being twisted slowly with each passing moment. 

 

“Serena, there’s something I need to tell you,” Bernie started, moving forward to place her hands on Serena’s arms as she moved the woman towards her own desk, “I think you better sit down” She advised her, trying her best to keep her composure. She had to make Serena see that this was for the best - for both of them. 

 

If they could survive the next six months, then they could survive anything that life might throw at them. 

 

_Idiot, idiot, idiot._

 

_Coward, coward, coward._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to save Serena's reaction for the next chapter, primarily because so much of this has been written from Bernie's POV.


End file.
